Earlier this week, I was able to spend time with my friend, Pastor Mark Waltz. He was actually the officiant of our wedding one year ago next weekend!
I reached out to him to discuss the plans of Healthy Voice. I wanted to talk to someone who knows the Lord and could remind me that God's plans are not my plans, and his ways are better than my ways. I knew I could be honest and real about where I'm at with him. I also knew that he wasn't going to give me the silver bullet fix to this problem. But he would listen with grace, and that's what I needed.
I had a note written before I went in there. I'm an over thinker, over planner, and an over feeler. That means yes - I think deeply, plan thoroughly and feel deeply about everything. I've come to a place where I'm okay with all that. It's just part of who I am, but it's a part of who I am that I have to be present to or it will kill me.
By the end of the week, I realized that all the planning I was doing for where Healthy Voice was concerned - was another way that I was trying to control things. It's like the plan was this big fluffy pillow that if I could get "just right", I would have this perfectly fluffy pillow to rest on because I got it all set up before I got there. Got where?
Well, it hasn't quite worked that way. My vision and my plans have made me a little nuts. I have a LOT of ideas. I am my father's daughter. I have a vision of how they can all fall into play and of course if they are part of my dreams, I want to see and help them come to fruition. But I not only get stuck in those plans. I get stuck in a rut of thinking that old diet type thought, "Once I get _____ I can do _____." If you've ever been on a diet, I'm sure you relate.
Everything about Healthy Voice is about being vulnerable and real. Nothing about it is being fake. I show people how to stop being fake and get below the surface of their appearance. So, why am I doing all this I asked? Because I was trying to cover up my fears - of failure and success, of not being able to do it...
In reality, I was blocking myself. My website had real stuff on it, but I wasn't being as real as I could be with my content. I wasn't being as real as I could be about where I'm at today, and so I spent the whole day yesterday (unexpectedly) cleaning up my website in a way that was more me, and more real. It's not "all together." There is still stuff in the works. The newsletter is still something that needs to get out so you can find out more about what's going on. But I think I had to put down my plan, so that I can give that plan to God - who had it anyway!!! Duh.
I am excited because I have a series of blogs to share with you next week that will cover the following with my own Healthy Voice:
1. Children of Divorce: The Struggle Beneath the Surface
2. The Weight: Pain You See on the Surface
3. My Heart: The Truth of Who I Am
4. My Mind: The Place I Can get Stuck
5. My Rock: Jesus Christ, my Hope and Refuge
I hope you'll check it out. I'm excited to share simply about these 5 core things on my walk with my Healthy Voice.
After talking to Mark for a while, I realized just how much was right in front of me that I had to work from this place. I have a whole book, FULL of content that I can share with you to help you understand better what this journey is all about. That IS truly a gift. We talked about how Healthy Voice truly is a ministry and some Unhealthy Voice I have makes me think that if it is to be a ministry there won't be a way to make a living. It's a block that has kept me from seeing the light and I'm thankfully working through it now that I know it's there.
I want to share with you something Mark said to me towards the end of our chat that I want to make sure I remember. He said:
I want to also share with you the Four Horsemen of this Unhealthy Voice so you have a place to go back to if you get to this place:
- I have a "Planning" voice that gives me a sense of comfort, false control. It says something like, "It might be rough now, so I just want to make sure I land soft in the future so I'm going to make it all just right, then I can sit down and start." (Hello! Not a Healthy Voice for me right now.)
- I have a "Pleasing" voice who seeks guidance from others who think they know what is best for me and tries to make happy every one who thinks they know what is best for me. I have to remember who this is about pleasing. "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. - Galatians 1:10, ESV
- I have a "Distractions" voice that wants to focus on something other than God's plan for me in the moment. I'm looking at what someone else has going on (i.e. Facebook) or I'm beating myself up getting stuck in my mind, not realizing what God put right in front of me. God reminded me of my distractions voice this week in this amazing message. I HIGHLY recommend you watch or listen on Podcast to "Death by Distraction."
- I have a "Comparison" Voice. Who doesn't? When I'm distracted, I'm easily comparing my life to someone else's. Of course, what's the next message that the Holy Spirit sends me to this week? It's another Steven Furtick. I haven't even finished it yet. But I loved the title so much, because he completely called it out. It's from May 10th and it's called, "The Hop of Glory, the Problem with Pinterest." Watch or listen here.
I don't know about you, but none of these thought patterns really work for me. I have GOT to keep my focus on God and HIS plan for me. I have GOT to keep things simple, when I so badly want to complicate them. I say this because I know it will be difficult, but I also know by sharing my intent with you here, and the resources that helped me this week - I can always come back to see where I found the hope.
A big thank you to Pastor Waltz for your time this week and for your encouragement to keep listening to my Healthy Voice.