Here's what I knew about weight growing up. I knew I had it and I felt very different because I had it. I felt like everyone would stare at me because I was wearing the pain of dealing with life's struggles all over my body. I truly though that I wasn't "good enough" in the eyes of God as I knew him because I couldn't just get the weight off my body. I thought it was something I had to do myself. I thought he wouldn't love me until I got that weight off, and I couldn't figure out why he didn't love me enough to just take my weight off so I wouldn't feel so bad about myself.
I don't care who you are or what your journey has been with your weight loss, gain or maintenance in your life. I'm a believer that it's got absolutely nothing to do with what someone else sees on the outside or even what we see. Weight - although it may be an outward sign of inner struggles - it is more thank likely in many cases, NOT something you can figure out just by looking at someone.
So, I'm a big fan of people NOT judging those by how much weight they carry or how little. I can tell you right now - it is NOT an outer thing. It's an inner thing. It's a mind thing. It's a heart thing. It's a spiritual thing. It's about what we're telling ourselves or what we think about our weight, what we feel about our weight, the mental and emotional baggage we carry with our weight, and the spiritual disconnection.
The guy who ran my treatment center used to say, "If you are just doing the food thing, it's a diet. You've got to add in the spiritual aspect. It has to be a spiritual program." I couldn't agree more. Why? Because when my weight or my thoughts about my weight are at the front of my mind? It's because I'm not trusting God for something, and it often shows up in what I'm eating...or my weight as you might see it.
Flash forward to a few days ago. We're walking around Traverse City. Since I got married I have gained a little over 30 pounds. Can you say? That sucks. Yes, cause it does. I don't feel great in my body and the other day, I felt like others were judging me for my weight. For the first time in a really long time, I didn't want to be out in public. That is NOT a fun feeling. The gift is that I didn't have to RUN from that feeling. I faced it, dealt with it, and in little ways I'm doing something about it.
But here's the deal - I may need to lose weight but it is STILL not strictly about the weight. I cannot just go jump on some diet. I HAVE to look at the inner stuff while doing something to change the outer stuff.
In the process of looking at the inner stuff, I've found that I don't completely trust God for the "little things." I try a taste of something here and there. I can find myself mindlessly eating. Throw on top of that it's been 6 months since I've had a normal workout (i.e. a jog, a bike ride, a spin class, or a yoga class), and you've got a pretty slow metabolism. Not only that, my doc told me I've got till about Christmas to feel completely better. The next 6 weeks? It's when I will just start weight training. I've already been in 12 weeks of physical therapy. This is a process.
Given this is a process, I woke up the other day with this first thought. I like to call these things "God Nudges". It's like he takes that quiet time when I'm just rising in the morning to tell me something. That morning I heard Him send me to a passage that is more about being financially sound in the little things, yet I heard it in reference to my food choices.
I see why he took me to this verse - not to beat me up and tell me, "You are being bad," but to be reminded that those "little things" are the things where I can lose track. Those are the places I can find myself not paying attention and those are the places he just pointed me to to pay attention.
See, he showed me - what is going on beneath the surface. That stuff that's going on beneath the surface and the circumstances of my surgery recovery - that's all showing up in my weight. But it's up to me to be devoted in the little things, cause that's where I can get stuck. Since I wrote this, I'm not keeping a food journal, but making a note or catching myself I get off track with those little things so each time I can be reminded me that HE is helping me through those little things. Through my attention TO those little things - that weight on the outside changes, and my trust in HIM changes because it's more focused on Him.
Look, I don't know what you struggle with around your weight, whether it's food or just habit, or some list of excuses, but you need to know, just like I need to be reminded in this Word, that we are loved no matter what we're struggling with. All He wants for us is to recognize our struggle, work through it and rely on Him to help us change. I hope this blog helped you see a little bit of what's going on behind the scenes with my weight struggle.
More importantly, I hope it shows you that yes - I may have gone through treatment, run lots of marathons and more - but I am on a JOURNEY. The weight I lost from treatment was because of the inner work that I did. I am thankful today to know, my worth does NOT rest in my outer appearance with my weight. Although I may struggle with insecurity around it right now, I trust that God's doing whatever He needs to do to show me through this how I can change. Just like yesterday's post, this is for HIM, not for me or my vanity.