It's the end of the day, 4:00 to be precise, and I'm just sitting down to write. I've got what feels like a migraine but I've got to post this blog.
One of my recent realizations that feels like it's taken me ten years to come to is that I don't need to say, "I'm gonna write a book about that some day," I just need to write. I hear friends talk about the everyday life stuff they go through, sharing what you don't see on Facebook and it's just proof that we're all going through stuff and we all need to talk about ALL of it. I know, that's against the world's rules - don't talk, keep it all inside. I agree to a point. We need people we trust to talk through issues. But we also need to put out there the stuff that we ALL deal with every single day - like teenagers, blended families, ailing parents, deceased parents, grief, struggles, revelations and all the little things - so none of us has to feel like we're the only ones going through it.
So, I'm gonna get real here. I'm going to talk every day on here about topics I'm dealing with every day because that's EXACTLY where we all live. Today. Not tomorrow. But today.
We got 12-15 inches of snow last night. Neither my husband nor I slept great. I woke up with this morning with a headache and a tummy ache. I felt the only place I could go was to my chair and have a chat with God knowing I could rest in him. It was good. Got to work on stuff I didn't realize was there to work through, but that's just how he works!
Then I put on my big girl panties and went outside to clear the snow from our Suburban and the UHaul trailer that we had still not returned. Last night I so badly wanted Mike to do it for me, but when I finally got in the car and started driving toward the drop-off location, I knew why it wasn't supposed to happen like that.
After I cleared the snow with a big sweeper in between the truck and the trailer (something my princess-self would never have even thought of years ago), I got in the Suburban and started driving. I put on my "Theme Songs 2015" playlist and two songs came on. As I settled in, I began to realize how simple this task was, but also - how symbolic.
See, last Wednesday I drove this puppy (the Haul) home from DC - 10 hours. It was filled with just a few pieces of furniture from my Dad's old house. It's a big deal because my stepmom is finally letting go of the house they built and starting her own new life. It's awesome for her. It's also awesome for me, because I got a few new pieces that remind me of my Dad.
But more importantly I got an even deeper realization of how little material possessions mean to me in the grand scheme of things. Early in my recovery, I struggled with my worth being attached to things I got to show me love, and worked through it hard in treatment and throughout my early recovery. Because of working through it, today I have a completely different perspective of it, and I am hugely grateful for that sense of peace.
I'm even more grateful that my Dad's love for me wasn't in how many "things" I could get from the house, nor any specific thing of value. Why? Because he's with me. I just know it, and nothing anyone could give me could put a value on that love. So, every one of these "things" was just that - a thing, a beautiful piece to remember him, but not to place the value of our love in - how powerful.
So today, when I got in the Suburban to return the Uhaul, it was a completely different realization I wasn't expecting, but it was SO cool.
That empty Uhaul weighing down the back of our Suburban symbolized somehow an empty, dead weight of the past. And here I was driving to give this dead weight back, to take it off my shoulders so I could go about my life on another level, an even deeper one than I've already felt.
Then I realized that trip was like a new beginning for me in the sense that I don't have to hold onto old stuff anymore, be it physical or emotional, because now I can open the way for rekindling family relationships without the dead weight of the past there. I can come home and feel present to my home because I don't have that empty Uhaul with me. More importantly I don't have to be who I was out there, or who others I thought expected me to be. I can just BE me. I can be exactly who God created me to be because he LOVES me and is making me the woman only He can.
So as I started to drive, it was like God was saying, "We've got one more load Mere. It's this big empty box - like the one you thought you had to fit in, but realized on a new level this past week, you don't have to do that. It's big and heavy, a literal dead weight. And we're getting rid of it. But you've got to do the work and take it there for me so you can feel how awesome it is to get rid of it." And here I am thinking, "I am ready God. I'm taking this for you. It's the last one. It's all yours. This box doesn't serve me anymore. I'm not in it and you aren't in it so let's dump it. It served it's purpose. Now there is a new purpose." Ahh, how I love surrender moments like that.
And from the moment I started the ignition and plugged in my phone for jams, I realized through the lyrics that God really was using this moment to show me how far I'd come. I seriously love when he does that, and I so glad Mike let me do it myself because it made the moment that much more awesome. That being said...
I'm sharing with you the lyrics of those songs here, and if you so desire, you can watch the YouTube videos or listen to them on Spotify. Either way, they are powerful songs that always come at moments when God's talking to me. I hope you enjoy them and see how they might be speaking to you about something in your life today. I hope you have an awesome evening.
These Two songs right in a row: "This is the Time", Superchick, from the movie "God's Not Dead" and "Lord I'm Ready Now", by Plumb.
The lyrics for "This is the Time: by Superchick:
This is the story of your life
A movie starring you
What's the next scene have for you to do?
Leave the dishes in the sink
Leave your fear there too
Live the story you would write for you
Say hey hey wake your heart
And break break break apart
The walls that keep you from being you
And walk walk towards the light
And don't stop till you live your life
Like someone died for you
This is the time to try
Step out your life is waiting
And as you fall you'll find
That you can fly
You can find a million words
To build a wall of fear
Safe behind that wall imprisoned here
Take that someday step today
To who you're meant to be
And turn your dreams to plans
So you can breathe
Ask anyone whose time is up
What they'd give for what you've got
And how they'd live your life
Live like your lifes worth dying for
You've just walked out that prison door
And you'll know how to live your life
Publishing: DJ Spacemonkey Music(ASCAP)/Matt Dally Music (ASCAP)/Onegirl Music (ASCAP)/VMK/Whizbang Artists Music (ASCAP) Admin by Whizbang Artists Music
Writer(s): Max Hsu, Matt Dally, Tricia Brock, Melissa Brock
Then the Lyrics for Plumb's Song, Lord I'm Ready Now:
I just let go
And I feel exposed
But its so beautiful
Cuz this is who I am
I've been such a mess
But now I can't care less
I could bleed to death
Oh Lord I'm ready now
All the walls are down
Time is running out
And I wanna make this count
I ran away from you
And did what I wanted to
But I don't wanna let you down
Oh Lord I'm ready now
Lord I'm ready now
You called my name
I turned away
But now I
I was so caught up
In who I'm not
Can you please forgive me?
I've nothing left to hide
No reason's left to lie
Give me another chance