Just making that statement is so freeing. Stick with me and I'll explain why below....
Yesterday I wrote about how God used a UHaul to remind me about letting go. Today, all I can think about is how letting go of that empty truck, leaves the space - not for emptiness but presence in this exact moment. I am not waiting for someday to happen or promising what I'll do "if." I am accepting who I am and frankly, appreciating who I am after many years of beating up on who I am.
I am...a daughter of the one true King.
I am...a recovering woman.
I am...a married woman.
I am...a stepmom.
I am...a proud midwesterner.
I am...a writer.
That last one is so powerful, because I spent a long time I think trying to deny it, thinking the world doesn't "think" it's a formidable career, thinking I had to fit into some mold of what the world thought would be right for me. Good, old people pleasing...I gave a lot of people power to tell me what I needed to do when all the while God was whispering to me...just write.
The passion got ignited back in grade school when I wrote a creative essay on life as a child of divorce called, "Between Two Worlds." I remember the teacher telling me I had a gift, but I stuffed it down for a while and kept it to myself. But when my life started to change, I got into treatment and I started living a new life? Guess what showed up? My writing. That's where I went to express my feelings, to process the story of life - like a music artist goes into a studio and makes a record, I write. The book I wrote is what got me through the loss of my father. It was me processing the entire experience of this person being in my life and his influence.
But today - I'm writing a new chapter. Today, I'm embracing the fact that I'm a writer and it may not hold a massive amount of money for me, but it holds joy. I know that God will provide and if I need to get a part-time job so that I can write? Then so be it. I'm okay with that. And for some reason I think going out East helped me get even more okay with that, because I'm not who I was. I am who I am.
I'm the girl who gets inspired in the car by nature, by music, by inspiring messages and I pull out a piece of paper to write. I'm the girl who gets inspired by Netflix episodes while I'm cooking and I have to write on a grocery list. I'm the girl that brings a Moleskin everywhere I go and I write. If it's made of paper or there's space to write on my phone - I'm gonna write. I don't care if it's a gum wrapper, a grocery store receipt or a used up post it, I will write. The inspiration is constant. The difference is that I'm putting it out there right here, right now. Not only that, I'm drafting blogs on my site instead of on a piece of paper I'll use someday. I don't know if anyone reads these, but I know I've got to put them out there. If God's giving me the power to do it, then I can't hold onto it. If I can see all the beautiful things God is doing in our lives everyday and I can show the world just a little piece of that with writing? Then I'm ALL IN, because in the end - it's not people I'm pleasing, it's Him. So if you want to keep reading, then keep reading. Share it with friends or just get real with yourself. If I can do it, you can too. Oh and one more thing, of course there were a few songs to go with this.
You know, there are two songs that make me think of how powerful His love is in my life today. One is on the radio pretty often right now. In fact, I heard it twice today and it speaks right to the relationship I have with the Lord right now, how he's everywhere and loves me. Me. You. Both of us, in ways we can't even begin to imagine. Boy am I grateful for His love and grace or I would have no idea how to love myself. Loving myself isn't a willpower thing. It comes from the God who loves. So I'm sticking with it. And I'm sharing with you below, the song I'm talking about. Oh and one other, given I think I just said "I am" twenty times in this blog, the song "I Am" came to me and it's all about how we can choose to hold onto Him and so "I am" and really, "He is." So, here you go. Have an awesome afternoon everybody...
There are two videos. First one is "The Maker" By Chris August and it is AWESOME. If you love nature, you'll feel like you are there. I kinda wish I was when he made it! Makes me want to run to the top of a mountain. The second is actually the interview/story behind the song for "I Am" by Crowder. You here a bit of the song in the beginning, but it's the interview that I thought spoke most loudly. So watch it and then watch or listen to the song.
Hope to see you here tomorrow as I'm doing a video with a theme complementing these posts on IDENTITY.