Who is this woman?
So you are on this page because you want to know about what I'm all about. That's cool. If we're going to be on a journey together, we've got to get each other a bit. Right?
So, first of all, I'm real. I mean, it's hard for me to be fake. Of course, I can put a smile on my face and pretend I'm fake, but it really doesn't suit me well. I kinda suck at it really (hence, why I never quite "made it" in politics).
Yes, if you knew who I was before the Healthy Voice, you would have known someone very different. I was a preppy East Coast girl with Catholic school roots and a family that loved me. Even though my Mom and Dad had me living in two different worlds, I never wanted for nothing. I was privileged to say the least. I had my education (undergraduate and graduate) provided for me, and I had internships lined up for me anywhere I wanted in Washington. Let's just say, I had connections. By anyone else's standards you could see me on the outside and think I had it all together.
Not so much.
It didn't matter than my parents loved me (still do), wanted to spend time with me, gave me what I needed and wanted and would do everything for me. What mattered was that I hated myself on the inside. I had what I like to call today, an "Unhealthy Voice."
It kept me on the track of self-hate and a constant drumbeat of the message, "You aren't good enough." Sometimes it was my constantly fluctuating weight. Other times it was my fear that others were judging me because I was practically the only kid in the class with divorced parents. Most of the time, I just felt like I didn't quite fit. So I found coping devices for over 20 years - in food, in diets, in toxic relationships, in shopping, in running (literally and figuratively) from my problems, in constant self-talk abuse.
Yes, no matter how awesome my job was, or how much it "looked" like I was the lucky girl, I wasn't. Again, I am LUCKY that I never wanted for nothing. I am forever grateful to my parents for what they gave me. But there is nothing they could have ever given me in material things, in hugs or in any other form of love - that could ever, ever fix that gaping hole in my gut.
Yes, I've had to work too dang hard to get to the real me, to ever want to go back to a life on the surface. My life has to be lived beneath it. I have to be real. I have to be honest. It certainly doesn't mean I won't want to hide my insecurities, but it DOES mean, I will fess up to them when I'm ready to do just that, because I am NOT nor can I ever be - perfect. I know, shocker.
On this new journey for my life, I've found out quite a bit about who I am. I don't believe I would have found these things out if I just went with the flow. I had to fight for my Healthy Voice inside.
Today, I can accept that I'm on a journey of recovery. I can accept that I am not God. I can accept that in order to be happy, I have to be grateful, live in the present, and just keep walking.
I know today that I am sensitive. It's a gift that has helped me connect with my deepest self and others who might be on a similar journey struggling with the inside. It's also a gift that I never thought would make me more in tune with the Holy Spirit within me and his presence all around me.
So I hate to break the new, but finding your Healthy Voice isn't about being superwoman. It's about being loving to yourself. It's about recognizing that we've all got our own stuff and no matter what someone looks like on the outside, they've got something going on inside - whether they want to share it or not.
Not only that, I - just like you, struggle with insecurity, comparison, uncomfortably in my body with my weight, and fears of both success and failure. Thankfully I know (even though sometimes it takes a little longer to realize), that all those things stem from my Unhealthy Voice that wants to get me either in criticizing my body, messing with my mind, beating my emotions down or trying to get me to not believe that God is with me.
So if you ever meet me, don't EVER EVER think that you have to be your fake self, unless you choose it yourself. I am someone that never judges you on the outside. I will ALWAYS listen for who you are on the inside. You never have to tell me how much weight you've lost or how hard you've tried. You can just be YOU.
If you see me writing, working out, or spending time with my husband or step kids - don't ever think that I'm some picture perfect model of success. Remember I've got problems just like you. I have to, as we say in recovery, "trudge the road to happy destiny," and do "life on life's terms." I go through the same things you and the people you love go through. No one of us has it worse. We all have our struggles and we all need self-care. We ALL need to hear our Healthy Voice.
I can't tell you how much I need it every day. Are you kidding me? New wife, child of divorce, stepmother, recovering addict, grieving daughter, woman not living the wealthy life I did as a kid (but a happy one) and woman on a walk with the Lord...Seriously - life is not easy for me. Add onto that someone who feels deeply, overthinks everything, struggles with ADD (Squirell!) and has to WORK at finding my Healthy Voice every day and you've got a bushel of things to face. But it is SO worth it!!!!!!!!! I'd so much rather go through the pain I've gone through and learn something through every tough experience, then I would pretending to just, "Get over it." Yeah, that's not who I am. I know that every struggle God has placed in my life has been for a reason, and a good one - even though it may not seem that way to me in the moment sometimes.
I've just got to keep trusting Him. I've got to keep learning, growing, seeing my Healthy Voice, and enjoying the JOURNEY that is life. No more fix for me....
My friend, you have to know this -- I don't "got this." What I "got" is a Healthy Voice that helps me navigate life, no matter what I'm facing. I don't share this Healthy Voice so I can tell you HOW to live your healthy life. I share this because I know you might need it too. I've gone through too much to know that I'm not alone in this fight. I also know, I've got to choose it every single day.
As Oprah would say, "This is what I know for sure."
My life is not about the before and after picture. My life is about the relationships. It's about being present in the moment. It's about finding the good things and being present to what the tough things in life might be teaching me. It's trusting that God's got a plan that is better than mine. It's about knowing how far I've come, how I got to where I am, and how I live today. It truly is not about what lies behind us, or what lies before us, but what lies within us that gives us the strength to BE.
If you want to know more about my testimony, and my journey that you might feel like you relate to in some way - then you've got to get my book. You are why I wrote it. I didn't write it to talk about myself or how hard my life has been. I wrote it because society talks too much about healthy as a surface thing and it is NOT. It is a beneath the surface. So I wrote it hoping you might relate and find whatever courage within you to know you aren't alone and change what you can. Email me, and I can send you a signed copy with your order off the Products page.
The Original Healthy Voice Video
Below is a video that I did shortly after my father died. I wanted to share the intention I had for every person in helping them find their Healthy Voice. I also wanted to share my heart in a way that you might understand what's helped me along the way, and how my life truly is about the journey. It's just a caption of what I've experienced and what I want for you.